Why Do We Men Handle The Breakup So Callously?

After reading Kim Miles’ posting about Men, Women, and the Ability to Move On, I started reflecting on some of the relationships that I walked out on. I don’t consider myself one of the good ones; I know I am. And yet, I know I’ve emotionlessly moved on without looking back, regardless if it hurt or not.

Why?

One of the first things to cross my mind is how men and women see the breakup from two completely different perspectives. Men, well, we live in a world where we face a series of letdowns over and over. I’m a Redskins fan so for the past decade or so [has it really been since 1996 that we won our last Super Bowl?] I’ve had to put on my game face to stand tall in front my Giants and Patriots and even Cowboy fan friends. We men are extremely competitive and evolve into creatures who can take a loss with grace. We lose at Madden; we lose at not making more money than the next man; we lose at the clubs and bars when women seem to always have to go to the bathroom when we roll up.

In the process of all this losing, we almost get used to two simple facts. The first being that it is inevitable that you win some and you lose some. The second being that you will continue to lose if you don’t put it out of your mind.

 You can’t be at the free throw line with no time and two buckets to win and think about the first quarter missed layup. We develop an instant case of amnesia, not out of having no emotions, but because lingering tends to cloud our judgement moving forward. “Shake it off,” we’re always saying to each other.

This isn’t to say women don’t experience failures like men do. Women just handle them different. When we say “shake it off,” women listen to each other’s frustrations, they get emotional and empathetic with it, embrace the pain and try to make sense of it. If a woman doesn’t get a promotion, it’s about the supervisors not knowing what they’re missing. We just get back on our feet before the 10-count and go another round.

When a relationship comes to an end, I’ve never wanted to not be friends. I prefer to be friends. Especially if we started out as friends. No man wants a woman scorn running around putting him on blast. It doesn’t benefit us to seem to be so callous and indifferent when ending a relationship which seemed so heavenly on the outside.

The part that makes a man completely sever ties is the part that makes him feel guilty for not being That Man. It’s when we see an ex-flame and she hasn’t extinguished the fire. Somewhere in a conversation, the question pops up, “what happened to us?” Or when we run into mutual friends and they ask how’s such-and-such as if we’re still responsible for her happiness.

Not every woman does this, I know, but most woman think they don’t when they really do. It’s the comment about “remember when we went skiing in that log cabin?” or “how’s my favorite nephew?” or “tell your parents I said hi.” Innocent enough, on the outside, but it’s the same thing as saying, “remember when you missed those free throws at the buzzer?” or “have you gotten that raise yet?” or “did that girl ever call you back from the club?”

We don’t want to be reminded of our failures. We know we fail. Everyone knows we fail. It is in our best interest to stay away from all things that remind us of how we let someone down or didn’t live up to the billing. We don’t look through old photo albums reminiscing about past vacations with the ex. We don’t ask her friends how she’s doing [oh she's been crying for the past three weeks - you should call her...]. And we surely don’t want to be face-to-face and see that smile that was once reserved exclusively for us, reminding us of how we were supposed to be the one to co-star in the Hollywood Romance Story that everyone is supposed to be envious of.

I can see why a woman feels that a man is being cold-hearted about it. We men can’t understand why a woman would even want to indulge in the aftermath of a breakup. It’s not to say we can’t be friends, but we can only be friends once we’ve both accepted the “agree to disagree” about whether or not we should be together.

And I’m still trying to figure out why exes want to know the details of the next relationship. I mean, I know we’re “friends” now, but I don’t go around telling all the details to my other lady friends. Do you go around telling your other guy friends about your 23 positions in a one night stand?

In the same breath, though, I’ve been the one at the other end of the stick. I’ve had exes walk out on me and disappear in the wind. It sucks, I know. Every night you’re staring at the phone wondering if it’s disconnected because so-and-so hasn’t called. It’s not because so-and-so doesn’t care. It’s because so-and-so doesn’t care to be reminded of the utter failure.

I remember once when I called a wise woman [the great Mudiwa Mustafa] and was spilling my guts. No shame in it. I hurt. She asked me if I thought my ex was sitting somewhere in the dark thinking about me. “Of course not,” I responded. That’s all she really had to say. But then she said that my ex simply couldn’t handle the responsibility of making me happy. She [Mudiwa] said I simply invested too much of me into her [the ex].

It’s not fair. We men will walk, but it’s not because we don’t feel the pain or don’t care. It’s because we [well, some of us] have mastered the art of getting over any failure quickly enough so we don’t miss the next opportunity - be it a missed free throw or yet another breakup.

 You can’t be at the free throw line with no time and two buckets to win and think about the first quarter missed layup. We develop an instant case of amnesia, not out of having no emotions, but because lingering tends to cloud our judgement moving forward. “Shake it off,” we’re always saying to each other.

This isn’t to say women don’t experience failures like men do. Women just handle them different. When we say “shake it off,” women listen to each other’s frustrations, they get emotional and empathetic with it, embrace the pain and try to make sense of it. If a woman doesn’t get a promotion, it’s about the supervisors not knowing what they’re missing. We just get back on our feet before the 10-count and go another round.

When a relationship comes to an end, I’ve never wanted to not be friends. I prefer to be friends. Especially if we started out as friends. No man wants a woman scorn running around putting him on blast. It doesn’t benefit us to seem to be so callous and indifferent when ending a relationship which seemed so heavenly on the outside.

The part that makes a man completely sever ties is the part that makes him feel guilty for not being That Man. It’s when we see an ex-flame and she hasn’t extinguished the fire. Somewhere in a conversation, the question pops up, “what happened to us?” Or when we run into mutual friends and they ask how’s such-and-such as if we’re still responsible for her happiness.

Not every woman does this, I know, but most woman think they don’t when they really do. It’s the comment about “remember when we went skiing in that log cabin?” or “how’s my favorite nephew?” or “tell your parents I said hi.” Innocent enough, on the outside, but it’s the same thing as saying, “remember when you missed those free throws at the buzzer?” or “have you gotten that raise yet?” or “did that girl ever call you back from the club?”

We don’t want to be reminded of our failures. We know we fail. Everyone knows we fail. It is in our best interest to stay away from all things that remind us of how we let someone down or didn’t live up to the billing. We don’t look through old photo albums reminiscing about past vacations with the ex. We don’t ask her friends how she’s doing [oh she's been crying for the past three weeks - you should call her...]. And we surely don’t want to be face-to-face and see that smile that was once reserved exclusively for us, reminding us of how we were supposed to be the one to co-star in the Hollywood Romance Story that everyone is supposed to be envious of.

I can see why a woman feels that a man is being cold-hearted about it. We men can’t understand why a woman would even want to indulge in the aftermath of a breakup. It’s not to say we can’t be friends, but we can only be friends once we’ve both accepted the “agree to disagree” about whether or not we should be together.

And I’m still trying to figure out why exes want to know the details of the next relationship. I mean, I know we’re “friends” now, but I don’t go around telling all the details to my other lady friends. Do you go around telling your other guy friends about your 23 positions in a one night stand?

In the same breath, though, I’ve been the one at the other end of the stick. I’ve had exes walk out on me and disappear in the wind. It sucks, I know. Every night you’re staring at the phone wondering if it’s disconnected because so-and-so hasn’t called. It’s not because so-and-so doesn’t care. It’s because so-and-so doesn’t care to be reminded of the utter failure.

I remember once when I called a wise woman [the great Mudiwa Mustafa] and was spilling my guts. No shame in it. I hurt. She asked me if I thought my ex was sitting somewhere in the dark thinking about me. “Of course not,” I responded. That’s all she really had to say. But then she said that my ex simply couldn’t handle the responsibility of making me happy. She [Mudiwa] said I simply invested too much of me into her [the ex].

It’s not fair. We men will walk, but it’s not because we don’t feel the pain or don’t care. It’s because we [well, some of us] have mastered the art of getting over any failure quickly enough so we don’t miss the next opportunity - be it a missed free throw or yet another breakup.

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