“YOUR WEEKLY TOP TEN” (The Somali Pirate Edition)…..

By Lena Hopkins-Jackson 

TOP TEN SECRET WEAPONS TO TAKE OUT THE SOMALI PIRATES

(Week 12#) Written and Illustrated By Lena Hopkins-Jackson

10. “Iman”…Why not charm them with one of their own ! After all iconic, supermodel Iman was born and raised in Somalia,was a Somali ambassador to Saudi Arabia and Marion and speaks five languages including her native tongue..and if her beauty and charm won’t work ..well, she could always bore them to death with her movies “Exit to Eden and “House Party 2”…( they sure put me to sleep,zzzzzzzzz)

9. ”Mike Tyson”… I figure ‘Iron’ Mike ain’t doin’ nuthin’ these days( except possibly working on his new reality show like every other washed up celebrity). BUT he’s still a BEAST when it comes to fighting ..in or outside the ring! These Somali pirates wanna’ play dirty? I say we sic Tyson on em’! Just let him unleash all of that “crazier-than-a-sh@t-house-rat-fury” he’s been building up from recent years of being broke and ostracized, and in no time he’ll be chewing off ears, ripping appendages out of sockets,… Flawless Victory!
( Now if only we can exile him on a nearby island once he’s done, hmmm )

8. “WWE Wrestlers” … In keeping with the raw, brute strength strategy, if a boxing champ like Tyson won’t work out, we can ALWAYS go the other way with the WWE and put John Cena on them! Obviously “The Rock” is too Hollywood for the assignment and Hulk Hogan has hella’ marital drama right now , let John Cena put that “STFU” move on ‘em, and it’s a wrap!

7. “The Reverend Jesse Jackson”…Who better to negotiate hostile relations between the US and the rest of the world than Jesse? In 1990 the good reverend was the FIRST American to bring hostages out of Iraq and Kuwait ..besides I figure with his playa-hatin’ gangsta’ talk about cuttin’ off a certain presidential candidate’s balls…Jesse can take it there and “BRING IT BEEYOTCHES!”…if some crazy ‘ish’ pops off!

6. “The Flava of Love Girls”…If it’s booty these pirates want …booty they’ll get! “Make love not war” is what I say, so let’s send “The Flava of Love Girls” over there! They could be our best secret weapon yet, call ‘em “Weapons Of Mass SEDUCTION”! Between “Delishus”,”Hoops” and “Nu York” they will either drop it like it’s hot or annoy the sh@t out of them and they will go home out of sheer aggravation!

5. “The East Compton Bloods & Crips“… Somalia has gangstas, well the USA has it’s own original gangstas! I suggest recruiting and reuniting these two rival gangs to eliminate our problem in the seas….um, that is if we can stop them from taking each other out first!

4. “Oprah”…Why? Because she’s OPRAH d@mmit and she can do ANYTHING!!! After all: Oprah got HER presidential candidate elected, owns her own network, bought more houses for Katrina victims than “FEMA” and the “Red Cross” put together and everyone loves Oprah( even the haters) maybe she can offer to build an “African Leadership Academy” for girls in Somalia.. pirates have daughters too, right?

3. “Rachel Ray”… I know,WTH?…Yes, this may seem like a strange choice but check it: If there’s one thing Somalis never seem to have enough of is…FOOD! We can send “Little Miss Perky” over there to stuff them silly with all of her wonderful culinary concoctions! Shoot, they will be too tired with the “ITIS” to rob & plunder!

2. “The Watchmen”… Okaaay I know they don’t even EXIST outside of comic books and the movies, but just imagine “The Comedian” and “Rorschach” just breakin’ buck wild on dem’ fools…wow. Problem solved! ..AND they would do it just for the fun of it , after all “somebody has to save us from ourselves”, (wink!)

…and the number  1# TOP SECRET WEAPON TO TAKE OUT THE SOMALI PIRATES is…
(Drum Roll pleaze)
….. The AIG Executives and Bernie Madoff….If ANYBODY is a straight up, fo’ real pirate..It’s THESE guys, I mean they put the ‘rat’ in Pirate….’Nuff Said!

Thank you for reading!

Have any suggestions for SECRET weapons..HOLLA!

 SOMALI PIRATES & CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW
( From “Pirates Of The Caribbean”)..Savvy?